Visibility Starts Within

Sometimes getting out and around people can reality check you, in a good way. I am someone who has always loved fashion, loved modifying it, looking at it, switching it up, etc. I'm not very good at making it but I will design a line in this lifetime! (My family of seamstresses are probably disappointed by my inability to sew despite their best effort). It is just something I've always loved. It can be really important to get out and just talk to people, to interact, and to realize that the voice in your head that tells you you're invisible is actually the only thing making it true.

I recently went to an event. I sat down and the person next to me (amazing human btw) commented on my style and I joked that "well it better be good my business is about style." It came up a few times and reminded me I started this business because I believe in it and I love it! Sometimes you can get so in your head about things that you forget that people can see you. My level of comfort in my own body has fluctuated over years through situations, medications, and all that. I always felt too thin on the bottom and too thick on the top. I now endearingly call it my lollipop-shaped body. I only know of two other people that have the same body shape as me. Actually three, but one of them is not real. I freaking adore all of them. One is my mom, which is not that surprising, you know cuz we're related. The second is Celina SpookyBoo. The third is the one and only Lady Glitter Sparkles (Trolls).

My mom and I

Lady Glitter Sparkles from Trolls

Celina Spooky Boo and Call Me Kris

I see pictures of my mom and her little lollipop body and expressions and it just makes me happy. To see that in myself is emotional for me now that she has passed. There is a story that has that really has been coming up in my mind a lot recently. My mom was a stoner; that's not the story; that's just a fact. When she would get super high and silly, which was always refreshing, her eyes get really squinty because she has big old apple cheeks. I always thought her face looked like a smiling Buddha when she was high. I wanted to get a little Buddha tattoo that said "Buddha Mama." Some time in the years leading up to her death, I realized that she thought I was referring to her belly. I did joke about a lot of her physical things but so did she. Now it is what it is. Karma does what it does. Genetics does what it does. Anyway, I explained to her that it was because of her smile and not because of her body.

The fact that she was still very excited about the tattoo idea is telling. Her self image and my lack of realizing it created this completely different interpretation of something that is really a symbol of connection and joy in life. It's a reminder that the way that we see other people, especially people we love, the things about them that we love, don't have anything to do with societal norms or outward perception. It is a reminder to trust the people that love us, to trust their love. I listened to a reading today that reframed this for me. It said:

"It's easier to love others because you have control. It's much harder to be loved and be open to being loved because you don't have control over it." It is a gift to find the joy in who you are be through fashion or other ways of self-expression and connection. Health and stuff is important, of course, but health is a dynamic system, not just your body, not just your mind, and not just your soul. They have to work together.

Charlesice, 3RD IRIS Founder, reviewing journals

I was getting in my head about trying to find an outfit for the pitch and making sure that I would convey I know something about style. What actually worked though was just me going in my closet, being like, "I like this, this, and this. They go together; it's totally gonna be cute with my shoes, cool beans," doing my makeup in less than 10 minutes and eating it up. From people on the freaking metro to the event, my presence counted more than my look and because I was so just immersed in talking about the idea and the business that I didn't really think about it. Sometimes it takes going out and meeting people to realize that "Maybe I'm not invisible. Maybe my hair does look good. Maybe the way I feel comfortable in this dress is more important than how someone thinks I should look." Visibility starts within.